Hearbeats and Heartaches

I had a life. At least I thought I did. What illusions we live with! For the moment, I know exactly how it feels waiting to be shot. I am on a tortuous wait to be shot, the revolver all cocked and aimed. I am restless, frustrated and the journey to this heart break is known; a swing between shock, bouts of anger, cynicism, extreme sadness and a hell lot of pain. How can he understand me, my feelings, my emotions when he cannot understand himself.

The institution of marriage and committed relationships resides on bedrock of complete faith, respect, an attempt to understand and endless love. Maybe love is, after all, over-rated. It is women like me who place way too much importance in the emotion and feeling called love. I don’t see it existing anywhere. Not one bit. But then, right now, I do not even believe in the term called ‘family’. How can I when I am standing on a precipice, seeing the remains of my own scattered in front of me. No, that doesn’t exist for me either. Who am I fooling when I call anyone family?

He is all I think about.  In the world that has crumbled before my eyes since I was a child, this is the most devastating of all. And then, I wish I was dead. I wish that I had died when I was five. I wish that I had died while I stood in front of an oncoming train, playing dare with my brother. I wish I had died when the ship collided at sea. I was so sure I would die that day. There wasn't a reason there to live. There seems no reason now. Not for me to live.

A month and a half away from me and you have drifted so far away, the gaps so wide and you a fading speck in the horizon of my life as the sun sets inevitably. Six months away will kill everything. I feel so. I have a right to feel so. 

Sometimes I want to blame you for it all. Then, I think, maybe the problem is me. You are not the once who has faced rejections in love relationships. You, if ever moved away from your relationships, it involved some play of circumstance. On the other hand, look at me...I thrived on rejections. Yes. I am more than convinced it is me. Look within for answers. That's the answers I get.

What is the point of us dragging and making the torment last longer? I don't want to die a bit every day, but I think I am. It is funny and so damn right. Every activity for a man is like a game he absolutely must win. Eventually there isn't fairness.

 I have the right to deal with this in my own way, so do not even think about taking it away from me. You can go, do what you want, live your dreams. You are not someone I will ever consider an enemy, be rest assured. But I will not be your friend either. I will love you for the rest of my life I do not intend to be at the receiving end of any guilt-ridden kindness or love and care that arises out of it. What I do to take care of me will be none of your concern. I will do what is right by me. You do what you think or believe is right. Don't wonder about how I will deal with anything that comes my way. It will not be a concern of yours. I may sound like a hard-heart bitch right now, but I am a survivor. I will survive. At whatever cost. The cost will not be your concern. Don't make it your concern.

I will always love you. Love has no reason. I have no specific reason for loving you. I simply love you.

I crawl into bed at night the feeling of being unwanted and alone creeps up.  It is a dread before the nightmares begin again. I have never slept a night in my life without dreaming as far back as I can remember. All I dream these days is abandonment, fear, and despair, running after something, someone I may never quite reach or touch once again.

I do not attempt to touch or hug you even though I am quite desperate. You shrug away my hand and I withdraw feeling like an untouchable. In your sleep, for a few fleeting minutes you draw up behind me and hold me close. I feel you wanting me and then it is over. You move away. I felt at peace those few minutes. Little joys you know. I lie in bed, all alone. You probably wait for me to fall asleep so the awkwardness of not touching doesn't arise.

Why does it have to be this way? Is this what a person does to someone he loves (?) and calls his best friend? Is this what a person does? How do I balance my life? On what? How does keep-the-Faith apply here? How?

How can it hurt so much? The word 'family' just got redefined right in front of my eyes...and I realize I really stand alone. So damn alone. My dad, mom, kid...everyone already so scattered and now I also face the truth that I am not family to you either. Damn! I just realized that I really stood alone. How alone is alone? 

I know.

My body hurts, I bear the pain because the pain in my heart more than overwhelms me; it eats into my soul with each passing day. I feel tortured by the demons arising out of my own thoughts. I feel like a revolver, waiting to be shot. I thought I could do anything, achieve anything with you by my side. I felt you accepted me for who I was; a result of my life's experiences and some of which are you. Now, I have no goals. No values of feeling and giving to guide me. 

Nothing.

The weekends are the hardest. I so want to reach out, touch you, sleep in your arms, and have you hug me close as the warmth of your breath tickles my neck. I so want to kiss you, get just a tiny response so I feel alive, needed, wanted. There is none.

I am. Alone. 

Copyright @Saanjh2010