Making Sense - Naah!

I sit late night, watch the sky. Even the clouds are hazy and stars faded, so much like everything that meant the most to me in life. Why does every sentence spoken have to be bitter and a resounding slap on the face? A slap doesn't hurt cause the sting burns your face. It hurts because it is an insult to your self-esteem, to your sense of being you. Fuck it hurts and it hurts bad. 

Words can hurt like that. Action and the lack of it witnessed in the course of the day can hurt like that. Here laughing and happy one minute and punching your stunned guts the next.

I don't know about tomorrow which kind of leaves me to live day to day, too afraid to borrow from the sunshine because the clouds are turning grey. What have I to worry and what have I not. All standing like a commonplace soldier waiting for the next command.

Its all in the mind...however love is a resident of the heart. That's where the mess starts. The heart beats a resonance the mind has no frigging clue about.

 

Value the person not for what you see and perceive today but for what the person has been so far and can be tomorrow. There are possibilities everywhere.

Waqt ne kiya...it is such a beautiful song. But, I don't want that regret of having parted ways. 

I die a different death every day. Our relationship dies a bit every day as well. The distances are immeasurable sometimes. I am tempted to stop trying. You may gather something that breaks and attempt to mend it. Most people who care do that because it is important enough in their lives to repair. Who throws away someone just because...gosh...I don't even know just because why. 

I want to be loved. I don't want this to burn to ashes. The flames lick my soul and my heart. My heart will stop beating someday but what about the burning soul that will ever burn. What about that? 

Fuck! I sound desperate. I am. I sound lost. I am. I sound bereft of care. I am.

I sound like I wish I was dead. Perhaps, I am.

I don't even make sense anymore. 


I can't talk to him any more. I am really lost. For six years, he has been my every waking thought and through the day he has been there. He haunts my dreams. 

Haunts. 

Copyright Saanjh@2010

Random Dreams and Perspective

Sometimes randomness is a way of life. Right now, it is the way my life is going. Everything matters and nothing matters. Balance. Ah! That is what needs to come to light. The journey continues though...because the darkest hour, I was told a long time ago, lasts sixty minutes, like any other hour. 

Every dream takes us on a journey through remnants of some shred of reality. That is the way I believe dreams work. abandonment, anger, fear, despair all gathers like some dark cloud, threatening in its loud thunderous mockery of your life, getting darker and ominous. 

Switch thoughts. It really is true. We cannot really tolerate the lies our man speaks after a point of living together for years. In my dazed state of smoky evenings, I realize this. Not sure if it is profound but, it sure is a view point. All that is said is believed only if the expressions and body language holds itself through. Otherwise, little things can give it away. I know precisely when the lie has been said, what truths have been hidden or avoided, or plain change of topic for want of avoiding the subject where one feels one is getting cornered. 

Our men stop being there perhaps, because they figure that out for us as well or at least figure out that the lies cannot convince and we are able to see through them. We know them too well. At least, we know the man whose head has lain in the pillow next to yours for years altogether. We know when he avoids the truth and when he wants to not discuss things because it will end up in a confrontation one is not ready for. And women...oh well! Women begin to almost come to a point of scorn because they can read their men so well. So much of harsh truth that cannot be hidden, because we can read, sometimes, every breath of theirs. 

Random thoughts...you were warned.

Copyright @Saanjh2010

The Journey Inward

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr.

A  friend of mine wrote this and the thought that instantly came to me...how true! In the end it is the silence we will remember, whether it is the silence of solidarity or that of indifference. We will remember. Memories fade...yet.

 But, this is not what I wanted to write about. 

“The longest journey of any person is the journey inward.” So says Dag Hammerskjvld. I totally agree. When one begins to think beyond the material aspect of life that we all run after, what is it that we are here really for? I would think there are bigger, deeper reasons for our existence. There is a continuity of life that goes beyond what is visible. It is the life that is felt. It is about feelings. What separates us from the rest is the way we feel. Every individual feels the way he or she wants in his or her own right. 

Before we venture out to change the world I think it is quite essential to know ourselves. Knowledge of the inner self is what I am talking about and not just how handsome or pretty, ugly or terrible one looks visually. The glow on a person’s face, the aura emerges when one is conscious of the sub-conscious and aware of the energy that emanates from deep within. Eventually, that is what really keeps us going.

The need-to-know path can be really lonely sometimes.  But, to be alone by itself can be a privilege. It brings with it an opportunity to know oneself, to mirror ones thoughts within one’s own consciousness, to wonder at the thoughts triggered by something someone said and what comes out of it. How I wish it was as easy to do it. I struggle every day. Some days I feel frustrated and angry...like I am right now.

Books here really become the best companions. I become voracious within my selective reading. Perhaps, eventually, it will egg me on to move on in my journey within myself.

I have been getting into that space within myself and realization has been coming, sometimes in spurts and sometimes in a smooth flow. Sometimes I am still like the lake and sometimes I hit sea state eight right on. Turmoil within one’s mind is not such a bad thing after all. While it brings with it an impatience of the soul, it also brings with it certain courage to keep moving towards self-actualisation. 

I am on a journey. I have always been…my outer journey now is aided by a journey within. I am inquisitive about what lies within. I sail.

So far, so good...err...I hope!

Copyright @Saanjh2010

 

 

Working on Life. Death?

While we are working on life, is death really that far out of our reach?

I've often had these experiences where I find myself cut off from my life, as if I'm watching someone else go through the routine and I, stand apart, some six metres away and watch it all happen. The past couple of days has been like a re-introduction to death; death of so many feelings, emotions, dreams, feeling the air go into my lungs and I exhale and for a span of time I do neither and there is this gap where I'm just still in the real sense of the word...no air going in, none coming out and I just stay, holding the moments together, wondering if I stay just like that, will my heart completely stop beating?

Another thing happened later the same evening, I was driving, suddenly with the rain just beginning a drizzle, listening to one of those usual 'I'm morose' kind of songs and there I start wondering what it would be like to die just now. I just got detached from the whole thing again and actually wondered if I would feel pain if I just simply crashed into something. In my mind at that moment I thought not. It would just finally be over and like the person I am, I had to get myself back to my body and begin to feel again - a different pain; the pain of having to live, the pain of having to smile and the pain of having to bear it all alone, when it could just be as simple as...

Copyright Saanjh@2010

Are we afraid of ourselves?

What is it that holds us together? What is it that makes us stop when we know what we are doing is right by our own convictions? Why do we need to explain everything? Why do we need to draw conclusions? How much time do we spend in running after money? How much time do we spend journeying within ourselves?

The revelation of what and who we are and how we can address our own spiritual needs is a journey that is full of awe, amazement and wonder. It is like getting under your own skin to know yourself, to try and understand what holds you together and what limitations we bind ourselves making rules all the time about almost everything. We are such an opinionated lot. We judge everything that comes to us. Among all the things we learn we seem to take a much longer time to learn to just be…to just feel, to just touch, see, hear, smell, taste without making a judgment about what we see, hear, touch, taste smell, feel. There is a purpose to everything in life; a purpose to you and me existing, a purpose to our being, to our possessing senses, to having a body.

Why are we so afraid to look within ourselves?

- Saanjh